Home and Away

my faith, my life, in a faraway land Livin', inspirin & lovin' it

Sunday, July 18, 2004

the walk coming to an end

I've come to realize that it was probably His will that I found my 'pit' (Lin, 2004). The outburst of yesterday and this morning saw a horizon slowly emerging from my darkened world.

I couldn't find the right words to describe how I had felt... why I was frustrated and just wanna cry. I guess the closest I could get to explaining myself was that I just wanted to be a normal human being for a while. A normal human being who could openly express her fears, her worries, her sadness.

I'd been trying hard to be a 'saint' I guess. Trying not to worry, trying not to think about things. I spoke faith to people around me. I told myself, "It's ok, just keep walking" and believe that every negative thing that was being said to be was just lies. Yes they are. These are facts of the spiritual world I'm in. Believe, faith, grace, believe, faith, grace.

But I've forgotten that I was just a human. The more I try not to worry, the more I do. I'm like a girl in a 'big big world' like what many of my friends would describe me as. The difference is that they thought of me as strong while in fact, I was totally worn out and spiritually weakened. I was tired of bracing myself up everyday and saying it's okay to take five steps forward and be pushed back three. I probably made myself weaker trying so hard to be strong.

I cry out to Him everyday. Yes, I run to him. But again... humans... I feel like I wanna be hugged, be touched, be told it's all been taken care of... physically. I don't wanna feel like I'm talking to myself.

I was angry with God like any other daughters if they had felt their dads didn't give them a hand when they fell. And I was glad He understood all that.

This morning, I prep talked myself to get out of bed to go to church. I felt like He should have something to tell me. But like any child throwing a tantrum, I knew I wanted to see and talk to Him but I just wanted to be seen as though I couldn't care less anymore.

I rushed to the subway in time to catch the only train in the hour anyhow.

So well, He did try to 'coax' me on my way to church. The train stopped extra long at Roma Station interchange and He put a humming bird on the platform while I was looking out the window. It was a very cool-looking black and white bird. It hopped from left to right and right to left as if it was doing a hip-hop dance. It wasn't bothered about dancing in the public with people looking. I looked at it and thoughts just flooded my mind.

"If I could be as carefree as you" I thought.

And it was then, a verse from the book of Luke struck me. "Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more values are you than the birds?" Tears welled up instantly and for many other moments during the journey as I thought about this.

But a stubborn child I was. I refused to talk to Him.

I finally reach the church. Was supposed to meet Regina at the lobby before entering the hall but she was nowhere to be seen (later I realized she was waiting for me at the other lobby). I could have still waited but I decided that I probably needed some time away from people I know. I wasn't sure what He was gonna tell me and I don't wanna burst out crying beside people I know of. I walked briskly to one of the front rows and sat with people I haven't meet before. I gave Reg a message to tell her I was already in but stopped short at telling her where I was sitting.

Indeed, He had something in store for me. In fact, I thought He probably prepared the whole service just for me. The songs He chose.. hey.. were all about shouldering the burden for me, that He cares.. that He loves me. I wept throughout.

Then Pastor Wayne preached on attitudes of Christians to fellow Christians.. wasn't exactly apt to how I was feeling but the example he used.. How God fed five thousand.. was a reminder of His abundance. I noted that and said 'okay...' I was starting to relent.

"Do you know God loves you? Do you know He loves you?" Pastor Wayne asked at the end of the service.

By then, I was already weeping non-stop. Kath's held me in her arms whispered into my ears, "Do you know how much it worries Him to see you like this? ". I could no longer be angry with my Father above. I just felt like He's pulled me into His arms again and told me that He knows how I feel and that He's sorry that I'm feeling this way but He loves me.

Faith is believing before seeing. The breakdown has allowed me a time to review my level of faith. I'm definitely feeling better than days before... at least I'm more childlike now...and I know my Father's in control.

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