Home and Away

my faith, my life, in a faraway land Livin', inspirin & lovin' it

Friday, March 26, 2004

ride to a dead end

Never been thrown into such emotional roller coaster. Love does drive one crazy. I'm listening to Gabrille's Shining Star, thinking about how the past week has been. Buried feelings resurfaced and contradicts with my present love and commitment. Wished I could be more rational, wished I hadn't made life dramatic, wished he didn't appear in my life once more...

When he took the stairs this morning, leaving me, leaving memories... I felt lost. How could things take such a drastic turn. Just a week ago, he was a welcomed guest, a friend from a faraway land... I rattled about my boyfriend, he teased me about being so in love and told me he wished everything turned well for me. But a few days staying together... chemistry, old memories, new discoveries.. then confusion, confusion and more confusion. He had been someone I had a unrequited crush on, someone I had been waiting for a period of time... I struggled, I avoided, I tried to act aloof... but when he said he's falling in love with me and wished that that had happened at a better time... I realised delayed reciporcrated feelings still meant something to me. How could life be filled with so many twists and turns?

If feelings had remained just feelings.. I wished. I wonder what was on my mind at that point of time when I accepted his feelings. What about my boyfriend who's still waiting for me to return home? He so love me.. And I love him too.. I'm still dead sure about that. But I was locked in a drama. It was romantic, exciting but extremely unreal. I knew nothing will come out of it and I know I'll get over him very soon. But how could I face my boyfriend with someone else in my heart. It's so difficult to let go of a relationship which is just a little less than perfect, a boyfriend who so love me and who's so forgiving. He said 'Please have the courage to love me and be loved again'. He's someone whom I dreamt of marrying but now.. if feelings had remained just feelings.. I would surely returned to his side, never to leave him but right now... I could only wish..

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