Home and Away

my faith, my life, in a faraway land Livin', inspirin & lovin' it

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Exchange blues

I rushed to the Study Abroad Resource Room right after classes, hoping to spend some time looking through the information about other universities. But to my dismay, the laminated sign hanging on the door spelt 'open from 9-11am'. It was 1pm.

Hey.. what is this? Is it so difficult keeping one room open?? Sigh.. I guess I'm probably just too excited at the thought of doing a student exchange next year. All these time in Australia, I have never been satisfied. Brissy is such a countryside... and I really wish to explore bigger cities like London, San Francisco, Los Angelos...

But again, it would not be easy for me to get such an opportunity (realistically speaking).. Average results with no news portfolio to flaunt... Plus international students could only take the remaining places left over by Aussies. I think I can only rely on God now... cuz (spiritually speaking) if you ask, you will be given right?? So it shall be trust, trust, trust in the Lord and worry less!

It's time to 'wake up on my idea' too... So no more scrapping through, no more last minute work and no more 4s! I must make it!

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Life Goes Well With God

I'm amazed at the rate I'm recovering. My heart still aches but the pain is quickly diminishing. My mind is not thinking anymore and it's a good sign. No point dwelling on things that have been decided yeah?

I spoke to Jason last night and we joked and laughed like we used to... like buddies. He emailed me this morning and said he still misses me alot. I do too. But I know we're both recovering.

In God, all good things are in abundance in the face of all bad things. I believe all these pain we are feeling now is just the route to greater happiness.

Amen.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

one decision, two hearts broken

I've never met a guy who loves me so much. Jason is the first. And I've never loved a guy so much too. He is the first. We used to say we love each other 'to the moon'. How romantic can that be.

But one mistake led to one thinking after another. He said he's never blamed me, he's forgiven me and wants things to stay the same. But I realised things can just never be the same again.

Studies and career are the things I want to focus on now. I want to freely explore, I want to meet new people, I want to try for my dreams. This relationship would just be a burden.

As much as I'm so tempted to tell him how much I still really want to be with him, I held my tongue. No one should live for anyone, I can't let him wait for me indefinitely.

A decision so hard to make, I'm experiencing the kind of pain I've never felt before. I'm sure he's feeling that too.

I pray to God for our recovery. And I thank Him that we are still friends. Come what may, I know He will always have the best plans for us.

We'll get thru this.

Friday, March 26, 2004

ride to a dead end

Never been thrown into such emotional roller coaster. Love does drive one crazy. I'm listening to Gabrille's Shining Star, thinking about how the past week has been. Buried feelings resurfaced and contradicts with my present love and commitment. Wished I could be more rational, wished I hadn't made life dramatic, wished he didn't appear in my life once more...

When he took the stairs this morning, leaving me, leaving memories... I felt lost. How could things take such a drastic turn. Just a week ago, he was a welcomed guest, a friend from a faraway land... I rattled about my boyfriend, he teased me about being so in love and told me he wished everything turned well for me. But a few days staying together... chemistry, old memories, new discoveries.. then confusion, confusion and more confusion. He had been someone I had a unrequited crush on, someone I had been waiting for a period of time... I struggled, I avoided, I tried to act aloof... but when he said he's falling in love with me and wished that that had happened at a better time... I realised delayed reciporcrated feelings still meant something to me. How could life be filled with so many twists and turns?

If feelings had remained just feelings.. I wished. I wonder what was on my mind at that point of time when I accepted his feelings. What about my boyfriend who's still waiting for me to return home? He so love me.. And I love him too.. I'm still dead sure about that. But I was locked in a drama. It was romantic, exciting but extremely unreal. I knew nothing will come out of it and I know I'll get over him very soon. But how could I face my boyfriend with someone else in my heart. It's so difficult to let go of a relationship which is just a little less than perfect, a boyfriend who so love me and who's so forgiving. He said 'Please have the courage to love me and be loved again'. He's someone whom I dreamt of marrying but now.. if feelings had remained just feelings.. I would surely returned to his side, never to leave him but right now... I could only wish..